Confessions of a pandemic zombie

Lately, I feel like a 2 year old long over due for a nap after a cosmic sugar high.  I’m cranky, easily angered and no fun to be around.  Like the child in the grocery store throwing themselves on the floor, screaming because they NEED those “pretty colored” Cherrios. 

Yes, I feel like that.

Other times, I feel like Eyore.  Wowsy, wowsy woo.  Woe is me.  It’s never going to get better. Why Try? 

Yes, I feel like that too.

I long for a good bear hug – you know the kind.  Where you squeeze so hard you almost can’t breathe.  I long to see another face – up close, even it if is only 6 feet away.  Watching my friends and coworkers over a video screen is not the same.  I miss people.  I miss laughing and crying.  I miss talking about anything and nothing all at the same time.  I miss my old life.  I fear it will never be the same. 

Yes, this is how I feel.

I miss being creative, yet I can’t seem to push myself to create anything.  I love to paint, but find a thousand reasons why I can’t.  Words like “I don’t want to.  Too much work” quickly smother any fleeting ambitions.  I have books I need to finish writing and editing, yet I look at my laptop with trepidation.  I tell myself that I spend so much of my day on my work laptop as it is that spending more time in front of a flickering screen is appalling.  Where I once I enjoyed the work – I now face it with dread.   And it is absolutely silly.  I used to work in the office all day on my laptop, and yet I found time when I got home or on the weekends.  What is so different now?  Why am I so stale?  

Do you feel it too?

What’s wrong with me?   This is not who I am.  Yet I find myself mindlessly binge watching East Asian epic tv series that have over 60 episodes and getting through them in less than a week!  I’m beginning to speak Chinese in my sleep!  I’ve had to ground myself, as I was trying to escape my feelings by drowning myself in these amazing stories.  What about my story?  What about MY LIFE?  When did I become a mindless zombie?

So this is how I feel deep inside.  I acknowledge it.  I openly confess and admit to it.  The first step to healing is to acknowledge the problem.  AND THE PROBLEM IS ME.  I’ve chosen to look at the darkness and ignored the light.  I’ve chosen to bury my feelings instead of dealing with them.  I’ve chosen to avoid the problem and not face it.  I’ve put down my sword and picked up a remote.  What is the sword?  In this case it is my will; my choices. 

So the question is, will I rise above this state of toddler tantrums and lethargic pessimism?   Will I pick up my sword, and fight off the negativity that I’ve allowed to put me in a choke hold?  Will I slash through the lies of darkness, and bask in the light regaining my sense of identity and purpose?   Note that I didn’t ask if I could.  I asked if I will.  Of course I can – if I choose.  But will I?

Will I choose one positive activity that will help me rise above my negative feelings today.  Will I try to be a source of positivity instead of negativity today?   Will I peer into my heart and honestly seek the source of all my negativity and replace it with the love, goodness and joy of my Father?  Or will I continue on in this no-man’s land of discontent; a mindless, soulless, remote holding zombie?

Wars aren’t won in a single day.  It is going to take time and determination.  It is going to take humbling myself and understand that this virtual world I find myself in is really a battle for my heart.  What will I choose?

What are you choosing? I’d love to know.

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